April 24, 2008
An e-mail from a very funny man -
Dearest Friend John,
Fuck it, I'm bored.
Things You Never Hear:
1) "Please stop sucking my dick and hand me those tax forms."
2) "Hey Carl! Sorry about slapping your wife last night & stealing your car. I love you."
3) "Tina, did you say Nazi or cheese?"
4) "I'm so glad my toes finally fell off."
5) "It's so nice to finally move back to Bakersfield."
6) "Can you hold my testicle while I finish carving this beef log."
7) "You think your cancer's bad, you know how much this hair clip cost me?!"
8) "Hi. Please kill me."
9) "Hi. I'm about to kill you."
10) "I don't care if my baby's a boy or a girl, as long as it's gay."
11) "God I hate being filthy rich."
12) "I love being extremely poor."
13) "If I hear one more person tell me I look like Brad Pitt I'm gonna die."
14) "Hey Steve, tell my friends that funny story about when you fucked my wife behind my back!"
15) "Chicks really seem to dig my tiny dick."
16) "I love all my 9 ex-wives."
17) "Linda, sorry it took so long, here's the Chinese elbow clamp you ordered for your asshole."
18) "Linda, sorry it took so long, here's the Chinese asshole clamp you ordered for your elbow."
19) "I like cheese... a lot. Please keep drilling into my skull."
20) "Now that my pants are off, where's the quickest way to Cincinnati?"
21) "Yes officer, I HAVE been drinking - and YOU, my friend, look like an asshole."
22) "My spinal cord is a nuisance. I'm so glad I broke my back."
23) "President Bush is a genius. Thank God he was elected twice."
24) "Listen Ed, I know you're busy, but can you tell Theresa when she's done mopping the ceiling to boil the walrus feet."
25) "Fuk spel chek on mi computr."
26) "I love being a virgin at the age of 52."
27) "Oh shit, here comes that guy with free money again."
28) "Yes! Another flat tire!"
29) "No, no, no. I say we finish riding the gazelle, THEN we dig the ditch."
30) "Hold my sweater while I kick my grandma's ass."
Snacks That You Never See in a Store:
1) Chocolate Beef Cubes
2) Strawberry Jalapenos
3) Happy Fun Skin
4) Sour Octopus Chews
5) Sugar Scabs
6) Ol' Tyme MSG Chips
7) Salted Hair
8) Salted Air
9) Clamiees
10) Death Power Water
11) Decaffeinated Iranian Sweet Seeds
12) Todd's Original Sad Bits
13) Wheat Eggs
14) Powdered Dolphin
15) Mixed Grosbeak
16) Kneaded Kosciusko Kudu
17) Spit Cheese
18) Waxed Happy Sand
19) Boiled Water
20) Maple Tea
21) Buttered Cilantro Shells
22) Dirt Clods
23) Cracked Smell
24) Free Beer
25) Uncle Jack's Original Twisted Chicken Milk Peanut Soup Nuts
26) Blood Jerky
27) Sour Salt Mints
28) Vodka Cereal
29) Trout Coffee
30) Paper Gum
Okay, I have to go to bed now.
Peace brother.
-Keith Dion
KEITH'S MYSPACE PAGE
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