01/05/2010
Transcript of
The Last Supper
translated from Aramaic by the Ecumenical Brotherhood on Christian Authenticity at The First Council of Nicaea
Jesus: "Assuredly, I say to you, one of you will betray me."
Peter: "Lord, is it I?"
Jesus: "I can't say. All I can say is one of you will betray me."
Andrew: "Well, that's not fair. Why won't you tell us who the rat is?"
Jesus: "I...I just can't. Now, let's get back to eating."
Philip: "Wait, you can't do that. You can't just drop a bomb likeone of you is a traitor and then not tell us who."
James the Lesser: "Hey, leave Jesus alone, Phil."
Philip: "Shut up, James the Lesser. Nobody wants to hear from you. If we want to hear from a James we'll talk to James the Greater over here."
James the Greater: "Yeah."
Philip: "You shut up too, James the Greater. And that reminds me. Where the hell is James the Greatest?"
Simon: "He said he was sick but I think he went bowling with James the Very Least."
Philip: "Pricks."
Jesus: "Hey folks, let's uh..pull it together here, huh? I'm gonna be tortured and murdered tomorrow and I thought we might have a nice quiet dinner, OK?"
Andrew: "I still want to know who the rat is."
Jesus: "Look, forget about the rat. I never should have brought it up. Listen, everybody take a piece of bread, OK? Yeah, there you go, pass it around..OK.."
Bartholomew: "Hey, this ain't fair. I got a small one."
Jesus: "It doesn't matter how big.."
Bartholomew: "Thaddeus! You took too big a piece!"
Thaddeus: "I did not. You just took a small one. It's your own fault."
Bartholomew: "No fair! I want a another tug at the bread!"
Jesus: "Fellas, the size of your piece is irrelevant. What's import..."
Bartholomew: "Thomas, pass that bread back. I want another tug."
Thomas: "You can't have two tugs. It's one tug per disciple."
Bartholomew: "But I didn't know how big a tug everybody was going to take! I WANT ANOTHER TUG!!"
Jesus: "Everybody shut the fuck up! It doesn't matter how big your piece is! It's just symbolic!"
John: "Wow, Jesus said fuck. Should we include that in the Gospels?"
Thomas: "I wouldn't."
Jesus: "Now, listen. Take this bread and eat it. It is my body."
Philip: "What did he just say?"
Simon: "Uh..I think he said the bread is his body."
Philip: "What the hell does that mean?"
Simon: "I don't know. Hey, Jesus! What does that mean?"
Jesus: "I'm saying that this bread represents my body and I want you to eat it."
Simon: "So...um, you're saying eat me?"
Jesus: "No no, that's not...I mean.."
Andrew: "Well, that's kinda rude."
Thaddeus: "Really."
Andrew: "Where's he get off with that stuff?"
Thaddeus: "When did cannibalism become part of this religion?"
Philip: "Screw this. I'm going back to being a Jew. At least we got to wear those cool beanies."
Jesus: "Alright alright, never mind that, let's move on. Everybody raise your glasses. Yeah, there you go. Good. Now, listen. Drink this, for it is my blood.."
John: "OK, this is getting weird."
Andrew: "What, are we vampires now?"
James the Greater: "Maybe we should have worn costumes."
James the Lesser: "I wanna be Hello Kitty!"
Jesus: "Alright, you know what? Fuck all y'all. Just eat your meals and drink up and forget the whole thing. I'll just go get killed and you guys can sleep in tomorrow."
Peter: "Easy, Jesus. They don't mean nothin' by it."
Jesus: "Ah, whatever."
Peter: "No, really, man. I'm listening. What else?"
Jesus: "Well, for instance, you will deny me three times before the cock crows."
Peter: "Why would I do that?"
Jesus: "How should I know? Boy, this soup is bland. Pass the salt, wouldja, Pete?"
Peter: "Um...you know, you're not supposed to be eating a lot of salt, Jesus."
Jesus: "I know, I know, but this soup is like water. Pass it over."
Peter: "I'm serious, Jesus, you should be watching your blood pressure."
Jesus: "Peter, I'm the son of God, for fuck's sake. I can watch my own blood pressure. Now, pass me that goddamn salt!"
Peter: "Jesus, I really think it's a bad idea. It's not good for your heart."
Jesus: "See? Did you all see that? He denied me three times! And the cock hasn't crowed yet!"
Andrew: "Who's he calling a cock?"
Bartholomew: "Somebody pass him the salt already before he gets any more goofy."
Jesus: "Look, I'm really disappointed with you guys. You're supposed to be my disciples. You're supposed to be spreading my teachings."
James the Lesser: "You mean about eating people and drinking blood and stuff?"
Jesus: "No, goddamn it, you're not listening! OK, I'm going to make it really simple for you. Here's the message - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Thaddeus: "Hmm. I'm not sure I get that. You mean, if I want people to give me free pizza, I should give other people free pizza?"
Jesus: "Well, that's not exactly.."
Thaddeus: "Because that doesn't make any sense. If I start giving out free pizza, people are going to assume that I've got plenty of pizza, so nobody's going to give me any. Why would anyone give pizza to somebody who is already giving it away for free?"
Jesus: "Alright, you people are hopeless. Forget it. You can all go to hell."
Peter: "Jesus, come back!"
Philip: "Wait a minute. Did he really just tell us to do unto others, and then walk out before the bill arrives?"
John: "That sneaky bastard."
Simon: "How are we going to pay for all this?"
Judas: "Don't worry about it."
Philip: "What do you mean?"
Judas: "I lifted his wallet while you guys were drinking his blood."
Andrew: "Way to go, Judas."
Copyright 2010 John Bizarre
