The Anti-Semitic Prick
November 26, 2006
"Why don't you have your coat on?"
"I'm not putting any money into that Jew-hater's pocket."
"Please, can we just.."
"You know who made this film?"
"I know, but I want to see it anyway. Please, your coat."
"What are you, one of 'them'?"
"Yes, I'm sure I must be. Arms in the sleeves, there we go. Now, which 'them' are we talking about?"
"You read what he said in the police report."
"Yeah, I know, I get it, he's a bigot. Wait, why are you bringing your skates?"
"If I pay money to see Apocalypto I will be financing all of his Jew-hating enterprises."
"I don't think he has Jew-hating enterprises. I think he does all his Jew-hating for free."
"Well, I'm not giving him any money."
"OK, but remember he won't be the only one affected by a blackballing. There are a couple of hundred other people who worked on that film and most of them are probably only a paycheck or two away from poverty, and I doubt many of them share his ethnic/religious opinions, and by joining a campaign that aims to turn the film into a flop, in reality, you are punishing all the people who are NOT rich and worked on this film hoping to pay their rents and put food on their tables and build better lives for their families. Yeah, thanks for all the help there, Scrooge McDuck. What a patron of the arts you are."
"Look, they shouldn't be working for a Nazi in the first place, number two, boycotts are effective in teaching rich people where to put their money, and number three, did you just call me Scrooge McDuck?"
"You watched 'Legends of the Fall' last night. Do you know who produced that film? No, you don't. Coulda been a Nazi. Coulda been O.J. You don't know, do ya? Wanna know why? Because you don't really care who made the movie, you just want it to be a good movie. So, why don't you cut the shit and stop pretending that your moral compass is directly linked to your wallet, and while your at it, could you please stuff yer lollygaggin' ass into the fuckin' car already?"
"Wait a minute, what's this movie about?"
"Decline of the Mayan Empire. I think. Or it's a cartoon where Ray Romano plays a ferret, I don't know."
"So, let me get this straight. Had you lived during the Third Reich, you would have been perfectly willing to purchase some of Hitler's artwork and, consequently, finance the construction of Auschwitz?"
"You drank the rest of that Nyquil, didn't you? Let me see your tongue. How many fingers am I holding up?"
"11."
"OK, let me put it to you this way. If I were to meet Steve Martin, I would probably like him a lot. We might even become friends. But as a friend I would have to tell him that I honestly refuse to sit through the shit he's been making lately, and hope he understands. On the other hand, I know people who have met Bill Maher, and many of them tell me he's an asshole. But I don't care. I like his work, I agree with almost everything that comes out of his mouth, and I could listen to him talk all day long. I judge art on it's own merit, not on the private personality quirks of the artist."
"I'm sorry, are you saying that a personality quirk was responsible for the Holocaust?"
"Yes, of course, I'm sure that's exactly what I meant. You know, you really should start smoking again. You may have been properly self-medicating after all."
"Whatever. He gets none of my money."
"Fine, I'll buy the tickets."
"What the big deal with this.."
"I just want to see how a rich, crazy guy spends his production money. I'm in film school, I'm supposed to watch this stuff."
"If you're looking for fascist filmmaker spending tips, why don't you just rent Birth of a Nation? Hey, I'll bet if you contacted the Joseph Goebbles estate they would probably let you throw some of their grampa's old 'motivational' shorts onto the projector, if you ask 'em real nice and snap your heels to attention, Colonel Klink."
"That's it, I'm buying you a pack of filter-less Lucky Strikes and I insist that you start chain smoking until you pass out."
"I just don't like being called Scrooge McDuck."
"How about this. The tickets are what, 12 bucks? OK. I give MadMax 24 dollars so we can see the movie, then, when we get home, I write out a check for 48 dollars and send it to B'nai B'rith first thing in the morning. That way, I'm giving twice as much money to the good guys as I am to the bad guys. How's 'bout that, eh? I'm a fuckin' genius, yeah?"
"That makes no sense. You're still giving a third of your available funds to a Nazi. Why don't you give the entire 72 dollars to B'nai B'rith and then we, instead, spend a lovely evening at Roger's Roller Boogie Palace, eating weenies, sipping pop and holding hands while skating in a circle to the mysteriously mesmerizing rhythms of Kool and the Gang's Get Down On It?"
"Would you mind terribly if I drove us into a brick wall right now? My skull isn't exploding fast enough."
"I'm not giving that anti-Semitic prick any of my money, you fucking meat-head, so pick a different movie or drop me off at the rink."
"Fine. Wanna see the new Michael Richards film?"
Copyright 2006 John Bizarre
