December 17, 2007
Keith Dion is still one of the funniest men I know. Here is an e-mail he sent me last week:
Dude,
Got your message. No problem. Perhaps another time. I will still be going to the bar Friday night. I look forward to spending money I shouldn't for small glasses of liquid that will temporarily suspend rational thought & reason, giving my brain the short-lived illusion that things are okay & I am having fun. I will be going with my usual crew (Casie & Rick). You will be missed.
I did enjoy our last phone conversation. I like that somehow in complaining about our own lives we managed to complain about the lives of others, as if it's their fault our lives suck donkey parts.
I think the next time I stub my toe I'll complain about Captain Kangaroo being a sellout.
In case you're wondering: I'm wearing white socks, blue boxer shorts, a white t-shirt, a long red robe covered in cat hair, eye glasses speckled in white paint from a 92 year old lady's house in Oxnard, I'm smoking Marlboro menthol lights, drinking a bottle of grape soda & listening to Miles Davis.
When I was around 9 years old I once shot a little bird in the ass with a BB gun, I've regretted it ever since.
Why do they call it "French" kissing? Don't we all do it?
I giggle slightly every time I think about the Queen of England taking a shit.
True Facts about Keith Dion:
1) I didn't start smoking until I was 32.
2) Favorite color: black
3) When I was 21 I had a "Secret" clearance from the US Department of Defense.
4) I have an intense fear of flying.
5) I've had approximately 52 day jobs (including hot-tar roofing, delivering tortillas, graphic artist, rubber stamp making & janitor).
6) I never tried salmon until about a year ago.
7) I wore braces for 8 years.
8) I once stumbled upon a couple having sex in the woods.
9) Waved to President Bill Clinton while I was standing next to a magician.
10) Drove from Southern California to Montana to do a stand-up gig, decided I didn't want to do it, so I turned around & drove all the way home.
Things I've Never Done:
1) Bitch-slap a prostitute.
2) Tickle another man's balls.
3) Let another man tickle my balls.
4) Bitch-slap a prostitute after she's tickled my balls.
5) Get bitch-slapped for tickling another man's balls.
6) Man-slap a ball-tickling bitch prostitute.
7) Ball-slap a tickling prostitute bitch man.
8) Tickle a man bitch-slapping a prostitute's balls.
9) Prostitute a man to tickle & slap my balls like a bitch.
10) Heroin.
Hope all is well enough on your end. Take care, keep in touch. Happy Holidays.
-Keith
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