March 18, 2008
Uppin' yer Ire
by Johnashee O'bizarre
Dublin, Ireland - Another St. Patrick's Day has come and gone and we managed to get through it without too much local incident. Well...
Jimmy Finnigan was put in jail for being a "thievin' bahstard". He didn't actually steal anything, but he had that look in his eye again, and tossin' the sticky-fingered blackguard in the clink for a day seemed best for all concerned.
Mrs. O'shea assaulted her husband with a frying pan but claimed she was only "acting the maggot." Mr. O'shea took issue with that characterization of the incident and received another pop on the onion for his trouble.
A rambunctious shower o' savages and bogtrotters stormed the Cock & Donky demanding the Black Stuff only to find the doors locked and the owner next door getting fluthered with Father Flannagan, which was something nobody could pronounced by the end of the night.
Little Kathy Sullivan can't hide the bump in her basket anymore so it's official: she's up the pole again. Fat coin has it that Breandan Quinn put the hickey on her muffin but Kathy says, "Go way outta that!"
Conan McGuire was taken to trial for buggerin' one of Dillon Sweeney's sheep. Conan claimed he was merely squeezin' the bag at the side of the road when the animal backed into him. Mrs. McGuire testified that she first met Conan in the same manner. Judge Doyle called for a recess so he could toss his cookies.
Caitlin Daugherty got the scutters from a bad batch of rashers and muddied up her breeches during her First Communion. Father Flannagan called it a miracle and ordered everyone to the pub to celebrate.
A ruction broke out behind the church after mass and the following was heard by all:
"Your wife's got a neck like a camel jockey's arse."
"I'll punch ya sa hard you'll 'ave to take yer pants off ta brush yer teeth."
"Ah, if bullshit was music you'd be a brass bleedin' band."
"On yer temples be horns and yer toes be corns and the scabs of Hell on yer dingy!"
Copyright 2008 John Bizarre
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