November 16, 2007
Testicularly Yours..
My left nut had ballooned to the size of a grapefruit. This was my second bout with epididymitis, but my doctor had never seen anything like it before.
I dropped my pants and whipped it out.
"You're not just showin' off, are ya, John?"
"Doc, it really hurts."
"I'll bet it does. Have you named it yet?"
"Seriously, I'm in a lot of pain."
"Of course you are. Well, I must say, I am impressed. You usually come in with pink eye or anal eczema or some mutated, southeast Asian strain of King Pow chlamydia or.."
"Doc, I need a Darvon or something."
"Darvon? Who are you, Elvis? I haven't even heard the word Darvon since medical school."
"Come on, Doc, what am I going to do about this?"
"Draw a happy face on it, add two little red horns and join the circus. Who wouldn't pay to see Uncle Bizarre's Smiling Devil Ball?"
"Hey, I'm dyin' over here."
"Ok, I'm sorry, I just thought you could use this in your skit."
"I'm not writing a skit! My goddamned nut turned into a monster and it hurts like a bitch!"
"See, right there. That's funny. You should use that."
"Doc.."
"OK, never mind. Hoist it up onto the table and let's give 'er the once over."
"On that cold table? Don't you have a pillow or something?"
"Believe it or not, John, we don't have little throw pillows for every engorged testicle that walks in here."
"Well..all right...there."
"Mmm hmm.."
"So, what do you think?"
"I think it's going to be a boy."
"Doc.."
"A big ugly boy with a lumpy head."
"Please.."
"OK, no, I think you're right, John. It looks like you have an infection in your epididyimis. The only thing I can do is give you an antibiotic and some pain killers."
"Can you give me something like a horse tranquilizer?"
"Hurts pretty bad?"
"What are you, kidding me? Look at this thing. I have to carry it around in a fuckin' fanny pack."
"OK, I'll dope you up good."
"Thank you."
"John.."
"Yeah?"
"Think about the circus."
"I'm not doin' a puppet show with my severely chubbed nard."
"Well, how 'bout teaching it to play an instrument and forming a band? 'Johnny Bizarre and the Rocky Mountain Oyster'. Hah?"
"Doc, I'm gettin' ready to beat you to death with this thing."
"Hey, I like that better. 'He's back, he's pissed, and he's swingin' a humongous sack o' semen! It's..The Texas Ballsack Massacre!'"
"Doc.."
"Yeah?"
"Gimmee the prescription."
"You got it. Oh, and John.."
"Yeah?"
"I really think those Speedos were a bad choice."
copyright 2007 john bizarre
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