September 5, 2007
"Have you heard of this guy, Edward Witten?"
"Isn't he the guy with one testicle who was banging Sheryl Crow?"
"No, that's Hitler."
"Hitler was banging Sheryl Crow?"
"No, but Hitler was one of those lone ball dudes."
"Lone ball dudes. Why does that ring a bell?"
"Maybe because that was the name of the ranch on The Rifleman."
"Chuck Conners lived on the Lone Ball Dude Ranch?"
"Yup."
"Sounds lonely."
"I'm sure other balls would drop by for a visit from time to time."
"So, who is Edward Witten?"
"Theoretical Physicist, genius, considered by most physicist to be Einstein's only real successor."
"Did he ever bang Sheryl Crow?"
"Mmm..doesn't say."
"Sounds like a no. Well, if he hasn't banged Sheryl Crow, how smart can he be?"
"Ever hear of Superstring theory?"
"I've heard of Silly String theory."
"What's that?"
"The theory that string cannot be taken seriously."
"OK, this is a different theory."
"Sounds questionable already."
"Give it a chance. It suggests that vibrating, subatomic strings are probably the unifying element between the theory of general relativity and quantum mechanics."
"How big are these strings?"
"Tiny."
"How tiny?"
"If you enlarged an atom to the size of our solar system, one of these strings inside the atom would still be smaller than a molecule."
"That is tiny."
"And I guess, back at the beginning of time, because the Universe could never be smaller than the size of one of these vibrating strings, that's the point where it would begin to expand. And then POW!"
"The Big Bang?"
"Yep."
"Pretty loud?"
"Oh yeah."
"Like Ted Nugent loud?"
"Like 10 Ted Nugents with a Thin Lizzy chaser."
"What's this guy's name again?"
"Edward Witten."
"How many balls does he have?"
"Hmm..doesn't say."
"Ah ha! Odd piece of information to leave out, doncha think?"
"Yeah, come to think of it, that is a curious omission."
"Casts a bit of doubt on his theories, wouldn't you say?"
"Yeah, why would a guy be so tight-lipped about the ball count?"
"And how come he's not banging Sheryl Crow?"
"That's another good point."
"And does his theory mention Chuck Conners?"
"No, strangely enough, it doesn't."
"Or the Lone Ball Dude Ranch?"
"Not a word."
"Then there you have it. I submit that the whole theory is a bunch o' hooey, and we go back to the original theory that a cranky old, invisible boogieman in the sky created the whole mess in six days, and then there were talking snakes and burning bushes and magically parting seas and virgins giving birth and chicks turning into pillars of salt 'cause they just won't listen and chocolate bunnies poopin' out multi-colored eggs while torture victims float up into the clouds."
"Now, that makes sense."
copyright 2007 john bizarre
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