Dushan "Duke" Petrovich
CEO of the William Wrigley Jr. Company
April 19, 2010
Dear Duke,
During a recent layover at Philadelphia International Airport I bought a pack of your Orbit gum at a newsstand. I thought I had grabbed spearmint or wintermint but it turned out I grabbed one of your snappy new flavors - Mint Mojito.
It tasted like ass.
But not just any ass. It tasted like the ass of some skanky, crack whore, troglodyte, ditch pig with stomach flu who just grunted out an explosive splash of volcanic butt lava primarily composed of expired Romanian sheep cheese.
And believe me, I know exactly what that tastes like.
Since you seem to be attempting to push the flavor envelope allow me to offer some other suggestions:
1) Sub-Saharan Dingo dick
2) Old Man Cough Cookies with Floating Loogie Lumps
3) Baby Splat
4) Porn Star Bladder Infection Trickle Chews
5) Toe Jam Chomp with a Squirting Scab Juice Center
6) Syphilitic Spooge Bag Crunch
7) Post-Christmas Kitty Barf with Sparkling Tinsel Strips
Best of luck there, Dukey old boy, and thanks for the mouthful of ass. Nothing like a little instant prison breath to take the edge off a three hour layover, ya jagoff.
Your most humble and obedient servant,
John Bizarre
John Bizarre
Copyright 2010 John Bizarre
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