An E-mail from Keith Dion
Keith Dion is one of the funniest guys I know. I received the following from him earlier this month..
WANTED: CLOWN
Does anyone know where I can find a good clown? It's my grandfather's birthday (he's turning 92) and he has requested a clown. He also has requested the clown MUST have the following qualities: The clown must be male. He must be 5' 7". He must speak English, yet also be fluent in Japanese. Absolutely NO balloon-animals, except one: a pink horse (but absolutely NO OTHERS, just the one pink horse). Knowledge of a minimum of 2 sea-shanties (sung with vigor & verve). Clown's hair must be of the typical clown-fro style & lime green w/red strip down middle front to back (no other types or colors of clown hair is acceptable). Also, I must warn everyone - my grandfather is terrified of clowns. Absolutely terrified. During the clown's visit, my grandfather will be hiding in the old paint & tool closet in his basement. He would like the clown to remain in the living-room during his visit for others to enjoy, although my grandfather has demanded that no one else be in the house (or near it). The clown must be professional in his dress & demeanor. Clown must do 42 minutes of clown material. After clown's performance, my grandfather will have available for said clown Fig Newtons, lemons & water. My grandfather's birthday celebration is on July 12th at 6:00am. Clown MUST be on time. My grandfather will be upstairs looking out the window to make sure the clown is EXACTLY on time. Upon the clown's arrival, my grandfather will be quickly running downstairs to hide in the basement (as previously noted). Upon the clown's arrival, clown must allow at least 2 minutes (before entering the house) for my grandfather's attempt to get downstairs. Since my grandfather will be in the basement (and no one else is allowed to attend the celebration) the front door will be left unlocked for the clown. The clown should also be aware of the two massive dogs that live in the house, and I'm sure will be very agitated & excitable - considering they will have just seen my grandfather panic & run from the upstairs room into the basement and then immediately see a strange man enter the house dressed like a clown. My grandfather is willing to pay a great hefty sum for the clown's performance, although it must be paid in foreign nickels & spread out over 5 1/2 months. Please let me know if anyone knows of a clown that is available, interested & can accommodate my grandfather's wishes.
Thanks! -Keith Dion
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