Slingin' the slang
"That's what I'm saying. I felt horrible 'cause we were on her brand new silk sheets and I left her with a set of bacon strips."
"Bacon strips?"
"Yeah, dude. You know when you've become the beast with two backs and the bed sheet starts to creep into your snap crack? When you pull the sheet out you're left with bacon strips."
"My, that's unpleasant."
"Yeah, and it didn't even need to come to that because all I wanted was a Dutch Rudder."
"A what?"
"A Dutch Rudder. That's when you're throwing the Underhand Javelin in the Personal Olympics, but all you're doing is holding the spear while somebody behind you does the heaving."
"I thought that was a Sleepy Tortoise."
"Almost. A Sleepy Tortoise is the same thing except you sit on your arm first until it goes numb. I usually choose that over a Blumpkin."
"What's a Blumpkin?"
"A Blumpkin is when you get a root tootin' while droppin' the kids off at the pool."
"I thought that was a Rusty Trombone."
"No, a Rusty Trombone is when you have a rim cricket toss your salad while reaching around to extend the main slide brace."
"I'm uh...I'm getting lost here."
"That's alright, take your time."
"OK. Now, what's the difference between a Dirty Sanchez and a Dirty Rodriguez?"
"The only difference is how the mustache is applied. The Dirty Sanchez uses an errant digit. The Dirty Rodriguez uses the baldheaded yogurt launcher. Another variation is the Dirty Book'em Dano. That's when you create the mustache by taking your pocket rocket and rolling it across her fulcrum like you're making a fingerprint."
"Well, that's clear enough. And what's a Liver and Onions?"
"That's when you're badgering the witness with a slab of liver and it exceeds your expectations to the extent that you cry yourself to sleep."
"Dude, that's sad."
"Life ain't pretty in the baloney pony saddle."
"Hmm. Let me ask you this. What do you call it when I'm tappin' the dirt pipe without a raincoat attempting to lay tracks for a Stanley Steamer when suddenly she yanks out the candy apple and gives me a Madagascan Monkey Flip which causes a Pasadena Mudslide that covers her sweater puppies with an unintentional Hot Karl and causes a throaty Queef to stumble out from behind the Meat Curtains?"
"That's a double reverse Chocolate Necktie with a Burpin' Sally chaser."
"Doesn't anybody just fuck anymore?"
"No."
Copyright 2010 John Bizarre
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