March 21, 2008

The other day while doing the hokey-pokey I was asked to put my right foot in and put my right foot out and put my right foot in and then to shake it all about.

Confused by the unwarranted squandering of energy, I felt compelled to question these actions. If I was only going to put my foot back in again, what was the point of taking it out in the first place? Also, why was it necessary to shake it all about?  

I did the hokey-pokey and I turned myself around. Then I was told, in no uncertain terms, that that's what it's all about.

What? How can that be what it's all about? I mean, life must be more complex than that, right? Am I really expected to believe that if I were to fully comprehend the vastness and complexity of the universe and man's place within it, the weight of that knowledge would have no more significance than sticking my right foot in and shaking it all about?

But what if that is true? What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about? What if I were to run across The Buddha in the woods and ask him what it's all about only to hear him reply, "Have you ever put your right foot in and shaken it all about?"

Would I punch him? 

If that's what it's all about, then why the hell did I go to school? Why did I spend thousands of dollars to send myself through college if all I had to do was stick my foot in and shake it all about? Why am I busting my hump every day to pay bills when the meaning of life is in the rotational abilities of my right ankle? Why don't I just wet my thumb, stick it up my ass and whistle Afternoon Delight by the Starland Vocal Band? 

And what's with the lyrics to that song anyway?

Started out this morning feeling so polite

I always thought a fish could not be caught who would not bite

But you've got some bait a waitin' and I might try nibbling

A little afternoon delight

Are you shittin' me? I always thought a fish could not be caught who would not bite? What, did they go to the Dewey Bunnell Ain't no one for to give you no pain school of song writing? I'll bet Bunnell wrote the Hokey Pokey too.

In the desert, you can remember your name

'cause you stick you foot in and shake it all about again

la la la la la la..

I probably would take a swing at the Buddha if he tried to pawn off that twaddle on me. Relax, he can take care of himself. He's the Buddha. He'd probably block the punch and counter with a firm jab to the bread basket. The Buddha whose teachings I try to follow is the svelte, Theravada Buddha. In Thailand, every image of the Buddha shows him to be lean and cut, like he works out at the gym every day, like he's a centered, peaceful, spiritual teacher during the day, and an ass-whoopin' kick boxer at night.

In Japan, every image of the Buddha shows him to be fat and sleepy. I have a theory. I think he ate his way across southeast Asia. I think he started in India, weak from hunger, trekked across Burma and Thailand and Laos and Cambodia and Vietnam and China, just eating and eating and eating, and by the time he got to Japan he looked like Orson Wells in Touch of Evil. 

But in the end, I think the Buddha's thoughts on putting my right foot in, putting my right foot out, putting my right foot back in and then shaking it all about would depend on what country he was in at the time. If he were the sleek and slender Thai Buddha I think he would say, "Get that fuckin' foot outta my face, round-eye, or take knee fulla what-for." If he were the porky, puffed-up Japanese Buddha I think he would say, "Is that an edible foot? Can I have that? I wouldn't normally ask but I'm famished...Anybody want any more of this foot? I'm gonna finish it! Last chance!"   

Copyright 2008 John Bizarre