July 16, 2008

Dear Keith,

I received your e-mail today. As you may or may not know...wait, that's a weird phrase, isn't it? You either know it or you don't know it, there's no May about it, unless it happens in March, and then you May have to stamp your feet and stay in line and do what the platoon leader says.

What?

Look, stop confusing me. Anyway, I decided to get off my duff and check my e-mail...wait, that's a weird phrase too, getting off one's duff. What I mean to say is ass. Odd. I would never use duff to replace ass in any other context. I would never say, "Stick it up yer duff!" or "Kiss my duff!" or "You're a fucking duffhole!" so I don't know what I was thinking. 

My dictionary says a duff is a flour pudding boiled or steamed in a cloth bag. That's a pretty good description of my ass. The second definition of duff is decaying vegetable matter covering the ground under trees. That would be a good description of my ass if I sent it through a wood chipper.

But none of this is what I wanted to write about. What I am concerned with is your dream about John McCain crying while looking at Eric Crispin's drinking glass in Shawn McMaster's house as Jonathan Levit climbs a ladder and your balls spill out of a slit in your nut sack.

I have analyzed this dream while wearing my 20th anniversary Jabberjaw Reunion boxer shorts and have concluded that you are out of your gourd. I don't know if you were ever in your gourd but you are certainly out of it now. As to the location of your gourd, you may or may not find it near your duff, covering the ground under trees.

Years ago I had a dream that Albert Einstein and Donny Most were in a heated argument over the merits of Fen-phen, and just as they began pushing and shoving each other I decided to distract them by dressing up my penis as a cowgirl and making it sing Rogers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma! by squeezing my peehole to lip-sync the lyrics.

Please locate your gourd quickly and see if you can find mine while you're at it. 

Your most humble and obedient servant,

Duffy

copyright 2008 John Bizarre

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