September 7, 2007

Letter to Hillary Rodham Clinton

Dear Hill,

I received your "Lunch with Hillary" mass e-mail the other day containing the proposition that If I contribute to your campaign before a certain date I will be entered in some kind of lottery where, if I win, I will get to have lunch with you at your house.

Hill. Let's stop the charade. If you want to have lunch with me, just call. And why should we "do lunch" when we could "do nap" instead? Hah? Come on, we could get into our jammies and snuggle up under a big, soft comforter in front of a crackling fire, spooning and giggling and whispering about how to launder corporate contributions.

Your e-mail is a riot, I gotta tell ya, and I actually snorted Mr. Pibb through my nose when I read the phrase, "I'll pick up the groceries before you get there." Hill..please..when was the last time you actually went to a fucking grocery store? What a hoot that is, picturing you pushing a grocery cart down the aisle and yelling at Bill to put the goddamn cookies back on the shelf. 

Nobody is going to buy the I'm just plain folks like you routine. If this is a Mark Penn construct, then he's back on the sauce again. We all know you have cooks and maids and other servants so just stop it. It's like watching the Queen of England put on a cowboy hat and eat a hot dog. It's disturbing. Embrace your role as a rich, power-hungry brute who bites the balls off anyone who gets in her way. People threatened by the notion of a strong women are not going to vote for you anyway, so put a cork in that slumming spigot. We don't need you sticking your snout into our trough to prove you're just another one of us pigs. Get back up on your high horse and storm that castle, queenie, the Empire is crumbling.

I also chuckled when I read the opening sentence where you said, "Let's talk, you and me--about whatever you'd like. Our hopes. Our goals. Our work. The weather. Maybe even politics."

The weather? Can you imagine if that was what I really wanted to talk about? 

"So, John, what kind of changes would you like to see in this country?" 

"What? Shit, I don't know about any of that but I am worried about this low pressure system over Kansas."

All right, Hill, enough of this lunch business. I'm not eating lunch with you. I'll come over to the mansion and slip you the pig every once in a while if ya like, but no lunch. And stop yelling on the campaign trail. When it comes to your particular voice, less is more. We can hear you just fine. Own your power with the quiet confidence of a Shaolin monk.

Your most humble and obedient servant,

John Bizarre

P.S. Oh, I read through your "four goals" speech and I need one clarification. How are you going to "rebuild the middle class"? Exactly how? I mean, specifically how? Like..I guess what I'm asking is..how?

copyright 2007 John Bizarre