April 10, 2008

Dear Senator Obama,

First of all, I need help getting Hillary off my back. She sends me an e-mail every single week begging for money. It's difficult to overstate how ludicrous this is. She and her husband pulled in 109 million dollars over the course of the last seven years, I'm driving an 11 year-old Honda Civic, and she's asking ME for money. What?

"Even as little as $5," she says, "can make a difference." Really. She's had over a hundred million dollars rolling through her personal checkbook in less than a decade and she needs my five bucks?

I actually printed out the e-mail so I could wipe my ass with it. 

Anyway, I know you have her cellphone number so do me a favor and tell her that anyone who gets in and out of a limousine every day and then has the temerity to ask me for five bucks can chomp my honkin' choad.

Second, since you and I are around the same age I was wondering if you could tell me what the hell happened to Aerosmith? How did a flesh-melting band of thunder gods turn into such a watered-down bowl of vagina soup? And what ever happened to that little blonde kid who played Oliver during the last season of the Brady Bunch? Do you think he turned out like Philip Seymore Hoffman in Boogie Nights, all porky and sloppy and gay? And remember that guy who played the bartender on The Love Boat and how he was the same guy who used to walk into the barbershop on That's My Momma and go "OooooWeeeeeee!" as he spun around and dished out the gossip of the day? And remember that gum with the liquid inside that would squirt out when you bit into it? Did you call it cum gum like we did? 

Third, I can't vote for you, man. I've read through your platform. It calls for monstrous taxation to create a buttload of new welfare-like programs that will further bloat the Federal government and accelerate inflation. This country is in serious financial trouble, and your solution seems to be, "OK, let's take out another loan to pay the interest on our first loan, even though that'll put us further into debt because we'll now have two loans to pay off, then we can take out a third loan to pay the interest on the first two." 

That's just fucking stupid. The way to save this country from financial ruin is to reduce the Federal government by 90%, abolish the Federal Reserve by returning Congress the right to coin money (Article 1, section 8), and most importantly, look the American people in the eyes and say, "We're all going to have to start pulling our own weight from now on. The definition of Liberty is not depend on your government to take care of everything for you. Grow up."      

But first and foremost, give Senator Bullshit my honkin' choad message. She needs to hear it. 

Libertarianly yours,

John Bizarre

Copyright 2008 John Bizarre