In A Pig's Eye
Friday, February 9, 2007
Even at 46 years old I am still surprised when I meet someone who will lie right to my face. What kind of person does that? What kind of person looks you directly in the eye and tells you a big fat fuckin' lie? A good one? No, I don't think so. I don't think a good person tells you a big fat fuckin' lie. I think a bad person tells you a big fat fuckin' lie. Come on, man, what planet do you live on? Why did you lie to me, or better yet, why do you lie about anything at all? What's the matter with you? The only real thing we have on this Earth is each other. And you're telling lies? Go screw.
I like to give strangers the benefit of the doubt, but most of you strangers disappoint me. Most of you wouldn't know how to be completely honest if your life depended on it.
So I was wondering if you strangers wouldn't mind taking some emotional inventory before we meet, maybe spend time contemplating the concept of telling the truth more often, you know, throw a little light of attention toward that whole being a big fat fuckin' liar all the time thing, and then have it cleaned up and out of your system by the time we finally shake hands and break bread for the first time..
..ya big fat fuckin' liar.
That'd be great.
..and now..on a completely unrelated note..
..a dissenting voice from..
..a taped conversation, secretly recorded at the Starbucks on Laurel Canyon and Riverside Drive in Valley Village, California at..well, sometime recently..like, not long ago..by a fella who does that kind of stuff for me..edited for time and formatted to fit your screen..
"Dude, she's funny."
"OK, she's funny. I just don't..I just don't like the time I have to spend with her in order to get to the funny."
"But wouldn't you like to give her the beef injection?"
"No, because we would actually have to be in the same room for that to happen."
"Have you seen her show?"
"Yeah, I saw it."
"And you don't like it?"
"I don't think you're supposed to like it. I think you're supposed to get it."
"Well, did you get it?"
"I don't think so, I don't know, I don't care, she's repulsive."
"I think you're supposed to find her repulsive, like that's the point, like that's what she's going for.."
"Well, then she's a success."
"..like, she's trying to shock you into discovering your own prejudices."
"Really? I didn't notice that. I was too busy yawning."
"Maybe you're just too prejudiced to see the light."
"That must be it. Or maybe every time I hear her voice I want to urp up my egg salad. Dude, I get it, she's funny, it's just...it has that...that whole stink o' the poser whiff to it, you know, that jag-ass, too-hip-fer-da-room noise.."
"Dude, wrong.."
"..that wilted ol' take a deep plunge into Lake Me jabber, that self-hating, transplanted valleytrash climbing the ratfink, coffehouse-clique ladder to become the snottiest punk in town claptrap."
"That's pretty harsh, dude. She's funny."
"In a pig's eye, my grandfather used to say."
"I bet he didn't say it with a frothy mocha in his hand."
"This fuckin' thing isn't frothy at all. That useless wench will pay with her head. Hand me your sword."
"She's a barrista."
"She's a bumbling coffee clerk with a weak vocabulary and a Dawson's Creek sense of fashion, the trollop, and she needs to be 9 inches shorter. Now hand me that blasted sword, you swine, before I lash hold the mast and drink yer sister's blood before the Gods."
"Just give the show another chance. Allow the arcing belch of her bloated self-absorption to wash over you like a warm spring shower of urine, all sterile and stinky. It'll be good for you."
"In a pig's eye."
Copyright 2007 John Bizarre
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