January 21, 2008

Berg and the Hump

"Look, I don't know much but I do know that this is a crazy, mixed up world and if there's one thing two people should remember it's that this world is crazy and mixed up, and they should never forget how nourishing a heaping bowl of beenie weenies can be, as crazy and mixed up as that sounds, and.."

"Cut! Is that your line?"

"I don't know, it goes something like that. I know I'm supposed to say something about the world being crazy and mixed up and then something else about beans."

"Well, I think there's more to your speech than 'crazy' and 'mixed up' and 'beenie weenies.'" 

"Look, let's just shoot this thing. What difference does it make what we say?"

"It's a movie. We're trying to make a statement here."

"What statement?"

"I don't know, that the world is crazy and mixed up and...beenie."

"Well, I already said that stuff. Let's get to the cheerleader scene and get this party started."

"What cheerleader scene? Did you even read the script?"

"I read the parts with me in 'em." 

"Look, this is the final shot of the film. Do you really not know your lines?"

"Sure I know 'em. Just roll the camera and watch my magic."

"OK, here we go..roll camera..speed...and..action."

"Look, I don't know much about this wacky, fucked up planet but.."

"Cut! What are you doing?"

"What?"

"Wacky, fucked up planet?"

"Yeah, so?"

"The line is crazy, mixed up world."

"Yeah, but wacky, fucked up planet has more pizzazz."

"Pizzazz?"

"An attractive combination of vitality and glamour."

"I know what pizzazz means! The script doesn't need any pizzazz!"

"Sure needs something."

"Just say the lines as they're written!"

"All right, all right, stop yelling, you're frightening my muse away."

"Your..what?"

"Calliope. You're scaring her."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"The only way I can bring life to this gibberish is by directly channeling Calliope, the muse of epic poetry. She gives my recitation the phallus of believability."

"Did you just say..?"

"Nobody's gonna buy a word of this without the stiff, blood-filled chub of credibility, and Calliope can bring us to the promised land if you would quit raising your voice."

"OK, I officially have no idea what the fuck you're talking about but I'm going to pretend like I do and nod my head and smile and walk back to the camera and now we're going to shoot this scene. Sound good?"

"Then we get to the cheerleader scene?"

"There's no goddamn cheerleader scene!"

"You're flacidizing my muse again." 

"What?"

"You're limping my artistic sensitivity."

"Lim..?"

"De-erecting my inspirational stimulation."

"Right..right, of course. I don't know what I was thinking. OK, you give your muse a bone-on and we'll put this one in the can. All right, everybody, here we go..roll camera..speed...action."

"Look, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy, mixed up world. Someday you'll understand that."

"Cut! Print! Humphrey, you're released. Ingrid, put on your cheerleading outfit."

"I knew it!"

Copyright 2008 John Bizarre