The Scrote Snipper
November 6, 2006
"OK. California sample ballot. Governor."
"Camejo."
"Green?"
"Right."
"Lieutenant Governor."
"Warren."
"Green again?"
"Yep."
"Secretary of State."
"Forrest Hill."
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"It's right there in front of you."
"A Green Party candidate named Forrest Hill? Who's running for Treasurer, Grassy Knoll?"
"OK, why don't you just pick your own 'two-party corporate-pimp sell-out throat-banger' and leave people with hopes of a better country alone."
"What the hell are you watching?"
"The Dark Corner. 1946. Lucille Ball, Clifton Webb. Always a great line just before somebody gets punched, like, 'Why, for six bits you'd hang yer mother on a meat hook.' POW!"
"Hey, I used your electric trimming razor. I figured you wouldn't mind."
"You used..the one on the sink?"
"Yeah, is that OK? I just had to touch something up. I didn't bring mine with me, and we are meeting the ladies tonight."
"What did you have to touch up?"
"I was getting a bit Neil Youngy on the sides, bro. A little Martin Van Buren-ish across the flanks. Is that cool? Should I have not done that?"
"Doesn't bother me.."
"Cool."
"..if it doesn't bother you that you used my scrote snipper."
"What?"
"Hey, you're not seriously voting for Elizabeth Cervantes Barron for State Controller, are you?"
"Scrote snipper? Are you serious, bro?"
"Stop bro-ing me. I don't like to be bro-ed. I don't mind being sport-ed and bubb-ed but I'm not in the habit of being bro-ed."
"You shave your balls with that thing? And you just leave it out for anybody to use?"
"You should have asked me."
"Oh, so it's my fault?"
"Dude, who came over to somebody's apartment and started using somebody's grooming equipment without asking somebody what he uses it for?"
"Shit, bro. I got ball hairs in my sideburns."
"Better'n havin' peanut butter in your chocolate."
"What?"
"Dude, you can't vote for this woman. She's a fucking idiot."
"Really. A Green Party guy is telling me a Peace and Freedom Party candidate is a little nutty?"
"No, I'm not saying she's a little nutty. I'm saying she's a fucking idiot. Look, this voter information guide allows her an entire third of a page to lay out a coherent platform, and all she writes is, 'Raise taxes on the rich; lower taxes on the workers.' That's the whole plan? What, is she in 3rd grade? She wants to be elected as California's chief fiscal officer, a person in charge of our state's bookkeeping, public funds, and payroll systems, and all she can conjure up as a reason for us to vote for her is a yawning Robin Hood cliché? She's packin' a head full o' cement, I'm tellin' ya. And whenever you hear somebody use the word 'workers' like that, you're listening to a stinkin' commie."
"OK, Senator McCarthy, that'll do."
"Why, for two bits you'd fuck yer father with a French horn."
POW!
Copyright 2006 John Bizarre
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