January 11, 2009
"You know Deeter?"
"Deeter?"
"The guy with the haircut."
"Oh yeah, Deeter, uh huh."
"Don't like him?"
"No, he's OK, it's just, how much Molly Hatchet trivia can you listen to?"
"Yeah, what's that all about?"
"I don't know, he likes Nascar too so he might have had a head injury."
"Well, that would explain the haircut."
"I asked him what his favorite movie of all time was and he said The Paper Chase."
"So?"
"The Paper Chase? Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen it?"
"Yeah."
"Come on, favorite movie of all time? The fucking Paper Chase? What about Casablanca? The Godfather? Citizen Kane? Road House?"
"Road House?"
"How could anyone pick The Paper Chase as his favorite movie of all time? What about Sunset Boulevard? All About Eve? The Shawshank Redemption?"
"Did you say Road House?"
"I mean, what's the plot of The Paper Chase anyway? Self centered law student porks the professor's daughter and discovers that academic achievements are meaningless?"
"Yeah, I think that's it."
"Goddamn twaddle. At the end of the movie, Timothy Bottoms is on the beach and Lindsay Wagner brings out an envelope that contains his final grade, and rather than open it he makes a paper airplane out of it and throws it away, unopened, the message being that it's just a piece of paper, that the things that really matter in life don't come in an envelope from some fat prick at Harvard who's been tenured."
"John Houseman."
"But check it out. The scene right before that one shows the fat prick.."
"John Houseman."
"..grading Timothy's paper and giving him an A. Well, if the real message of the movie is that grades don't matter, why does the director show us the grade? Why is it important for us to see that he actually got an A? Can't we be just as indifferent about the final grade as Timothy Bottoms is? Isn't that the point? But he shows you the grade. You don't think that's insulting? Isn't the director telling you that his fictitious character is more emotionally evolved than you are? Fuckin' douche."
"Easy, dude."
"No, fuck him. I'm not taking shit from some asshole director who thinks the figments of his imagination are more mature than I am. I'm gonna google his address and go kick his ass."
"Yes, that'll show him who the mature one is."
"Fuck you too."
"And maybe the two of you can watch Road House together."
"OK, spooge face, what's your favorite movie of all time?"
"The Treasure of Sierra Madre."
"Never saw it."
"Well, you wouldn't like it. No shirtless, homoerotic, Patrick Swayze scenes."
"Get off that pedicab and I'll show you who the fag is."
"Practicing your maturity again?"
"None of this shit has anything to do with The Paper Chase anyway. It's a bullshit choice."
"No, it's not. You asked him what his favorite movie of all time is, not what the best movie of all time is. Wait, what's your favorite movie of all time?"
"2010."
"Wow."
"What?"
"Dude, that movie is beyond stupid."
"Fuck you, you just don't get it."
"What's to get? A garbled script about a joint Russian/American space program as a lame attempt at a metaphor for superpowers meddling in central American conflicts?"
"It's a science fiction masterpiece."
"It's a piece of shit. The fucking Jetsons made more sense than that film. And it's a continuity nightmare. Here, I'll give you a glaring example. Remember when Roy Scheider is explaining to the Russian chick how power from both ships could be used to get them out of there? He floats two pens in the air like there's no gravity on the ship."
"Well, they're in space, asswipe."
"But everything else in that movie shows that gravity aboard the ship is just like it is on Earth, people walk around normally, they set a cup on the counter and it stays there. But when he wants to float a couple of pens, suddenly there's no gravity on the ship. What the fuck is that?"
"They didn't know that much about space back then."
"What are you, retarded? 2010 was released in 1984 and it's the sequel to 2001 which was released in 1968 and had loads of antigravity scenes. What, did Peter Hyams get halfway through the filming of 2010 and go, 'Oh shit, we forgot about gravity. Here, Roy. Float some pens while you give this speech.' How do people keep their jobs in that town?"
"You're just nitpicking."
"Nitpicking? Adhering to the laws of gravity is nitpicking? Look, take your gay porno classic, Road House.."
"It's not gay."
"Yeah, keep splashing about in your puddle of denial, Packy McFudge. Anyway, imagine if during one of those bar fights Patrick Swayze started floating in the air like a fucking balloon. You wouldn't have a problem with that?"
"Road House doesn't take place in space."
"Well, you're wrong about that, but here comes Deeter. Let's ask him. Hey, Deeter! Come here."
"What's up?"
"Remember in The Paper Chase when John Houseman is giving that speech about how he is going to turn them all into lawyers?"
"Yeah."
"If he had started floating in the air right then, wouldn't you consider that an unreasonable suspension of believability?"
"I would consider it an unreasonable suspension of weight."
"And what's the gayest film Sam Elliot has ever been in?"
"Road House."
"Your honor, I rest my case."
Copyright 2009 John Bizarre